Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Finally
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.