We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
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Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: