me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
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Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?