Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
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McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
To clean up or just move. This is the question.