Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
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I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Yes
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
*checks Timeline*…
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.