So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
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I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.