1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
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Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
tell em, edith-anne
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want