[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
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me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Lmao the reply
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine