2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
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People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.