*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
You Might Also Like
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them