Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
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If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
lol
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Ain’t no way
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I’m calling the cops.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.