I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.