DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
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My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did