This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
We’ve come full circle
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word