richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
You Might Also Like
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.