STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair