Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
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7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
This made me chuckle cuz mood
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Care for your back
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.