No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
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Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast