Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
You Might Also Like
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
5 ways to appear taller
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”