Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
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I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Twitter fine art
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I only eat vegetarians.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.