When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Noted.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
This is my brand.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still