[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
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[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…