Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
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I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses