i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.