“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
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the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.