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(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I can also cook 😂
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.