*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
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Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
🖤✌🏽
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many