‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
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Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I can’t wait!
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken