[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?