*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
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DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books