Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Not today.. 😂
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Mad Max Arctic Road
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?