The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
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settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make