A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
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Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I was up all night reading about insomnia
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s