[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
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“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.