I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
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I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Beauty and the Beast
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I need to get some bricks…
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..