Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
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A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”