Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
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[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe