Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
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[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.