Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Husband of the year 😂