[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
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Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
<- sleeps well with others
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.