Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
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Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.