Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
You Might Also Like
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Brands during Pride
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search