me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
But I really needed water water water
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Beware…..
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
The pasta is now
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Monday
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later