[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
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me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Worst Native American name ever.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.