If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
put ‘er there pardner!
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.