Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
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and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”