On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
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crazy
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.