Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.