[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
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She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III