Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
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corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!